


Wanting To Understand

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance, Series: Fraser and Monica
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-10
Updated: 1999-05-10
Packaged: 2018-11-11 02:29:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11139363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: This story is a sequel toTales Of The Night, Part 2.





	Wanting To Understand

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Wanting To Understand

All standard disclaimers apply here. We will miss our beloved Due South but will remain hopeful for its resurrection once again..... 

This is the fourth in the Ben and Monica series...and thank you to all those who e mail me and want them to continue...especially you Jennifer for all your support ( finish your story so we all can enjoy it!! ) 

# WANTING TO UNDERSTAND

by L.ROSS 

The light from the street woke him from his sleep. He stirred and rolled over in search of his lover. His arms stretched out, but all he felt was the cold from the sheets. Farther he stretched his arms, yet he still felt no warm flesh. He opened his eyes and searched more. Sitting up he looked around the room, only to find it empty. Pulling himself over to the edge of the bed he sat up. The floor was cold to his bare feet. He ran his hands over his face and rubbed his eyes with his fingers. He continued ...running his fingers through his hair. He interlocked his fingers around his neck arching his back. He stumbled around looking for his jeans. Finding them at the end of the bed he pulled them on. Walking down the hall he fastened them only half way. There in the front room he noticed the flickering of a candle. He heard a soft low noise as he came to the edge of the hall. He stopped and looked in the room. There in the corner on the couch sat his love. She had been crying. She was startled by him. She sat up and wiped the tears from her cheeks. 

"Monica? What is the problem? Why are you crying...is it the baby?" he softly asked as he came toward her. His gentle concern was met with coldness from his lover. 

She said nothing but turned from him when he sat near her. He was curious as to her reaction. He tried to place his hand on her shoulder but she pulled away. He could feel her distancing from him. 

"Monica...talk to me, please. What has upset you so?" 

She turned to him and gazed into his eyes. Her look was not the one he had come to know and long for. In its place was hurt and distrust.....anger. He was taken back by this. He sat back against the couch. His hands began to move up and down his legs. He was biting his lower lip. His eyebrows crunched down. His head was slightly turned to the left. He went to speak again but his words were stopped by her expression. Still in silence she glared at him. Finally looking across the room she said.... 

"Will you tell me the truth if I ask you something?" 

"You know I will. What is it?" his heart was racing...for he knew that what ever it was, it was not going to be good. 

"Is it her face that you see when you close your eyes and kiss me?....... Is it her that you touch or me?.... Tell me Ben.... Is it Victoria that you make love to in your heart and soul when you are inside me? Tell me Ben....tell me the truth." 

The shock over took him! What could she be thinking? He sat up straight...unable to answer her. His mind and the words in his head swam until his head was spinning. His silence only confirmed her thoughts. She crossed the room and looked out the window. The room filled with an eerie stillness. Her arms folded tight..tears streaming down her cheeks. 

"What has brought this on, Monica? Why would you ask me? What happened to make you feel this way? I have never done anything to make make you feel insecure,......... have I?" 

She laughed shortly and shook her head. Then more tears fell from her eyes as she lowered her head. 

"Tonight while you slept you came close to me, pulling me near to you. You kissed my neck and held me tight. Moved your warm flesh close to mine...............then whispered to me....."Victoria"." 

Fraser sat close to the edge of the couch. His heart stung with pain at her words. In his disbelief he hung his head, closing his eyes. His mouth became dry and his stomach about heave up all he had eaten that night. How could he have let this happen? He remembered dreaming of Victoria....as he still did from time to time. Try as he might he was unable to control dreams. But he never thought of her when he made love to Monica. Well once he saw Victoria's face when he kissed Monica. He never thought that he called out her name. Why had he not known before? Why had she not said anything about it until now? The hurt she must be feeling. The pain swelled in his chest. Here was the woman he was about to marry.....the woman who carried his child with in her. The woman who had helped him through his pain and loneliness. The woman he had fallen in love with...and was in love with. Yet Victoria still haunted his memory. 

"It isn't the first time...you know. ( she continued ) You have done it several times before....when we were first together. I told myself that it was........was because you had just lost her again and that you......you weren't over her. I told myself in time I could make you forget her...forget all the pain she caused you. ( a brief pause ) Once........you even called her name while you made love to me......it hurt Fraser..... hurt badly...but again I told myself it was just going to take time. That my love for you was strong and I could handle it. ( a pause again ) It has been such along time...I thought......I thought that you had put her in the past......but I see you haven't." 

Monica turned to look at Fraser. His head hung low, arms resting on his legs and his hands held together. His head was spinning inside. He felt faint...sick.....ashamed. All he could do was look at the floor. 

"You aren't going to find the answer down there, Ben." 

She slowly walked across the room. Taking the ring from her finger, she tossed it on the coffee table as she passed by. The ring bounced three times. Fraser raised his head and watched the ring flip for the final time before hitting the floor. Monica grabbed her bag and left the house. She ran down the stairs and into the bitterly cold night air. She fumbled for her keys. Her fingers almost frozen. Ben had run to the bedroom to find a shirt and his boots. As he reached the porch he heard the car start up. As fast as he could he jumped out the door and ran down the stairs. But he was too late. Monica had already driven off into the night. Standing in the cold street, he watched her drive away. He was unable to move himself. All he could do was watch her leave. His heart was pierced with her words. Suddenly he felt warmth on his hand. Looking down he saw Dief. He licked Fraser once more as a sign of concern. Fraser placed his hand on his friend's head and stroked him. 

"I've really done it this time, Dief. How can I fix this? How can I make her believe that I love her? I do, I really do love her. And how can I make her believe that I need her, now more than ever?" he looked to the sky as snow fell on his face " "Damn you Victoria,........ let me go! Why can't you let me go!?" he paused as tears filled his eyes and trailed his cheek "Why can't I let *you* go?" he whispered. 

******************************************************************************************************** 

Ray walked up the snow covered stairs to the door. Ringing the bell he looked across the street. " 

" What a winter!" he thought..."I wish I was in Florida...damn this cold" he shook 

The door flung open and Ray turned to find Fraser standing there. 

"Gees Benny! You look like hell" he said as he moved passed Fraser and entered the inside porch. He took his coat off and hung it on the hook that was on the wall. He turned to see his friend staring out the open door. A cold wind whipping in. 

"Come on Benny....close the door and come inside." 

Fraser moved like a robot. Not saying anything he entered the warm house. Ray followed him. Fraser sat on the couch and Ray sat on the chair across from him. He couldn't believe the way Fraser looked. 

"When was the last time you ate? Or shaved....or took a bath? Come on..." he was interrupted by Ben 

"I can't find her Ray. I've looked everywhere. It's like she just vanished." he said in a defeated voice 

Ray had never seen Fraser like this.....not even after Victoria. He was saddened at seeing him like this. 

"I know where she is...Benny." 

"WHERE TELL ME RAY" he jumped up and grabbed his friend by the arms 

"She's at the farm....she just got back last night. Lorna told me not to tell you. Said she would kill me if I did. What the hell our friendship is more important than that. She's there all alone too. Her parents left town for a week." he paused " They don't know Ben, she didn't tell anyone but Lorna and Shamus." 

Before he could finish his sentence Fraser was up and putting his boots on. Ray stood up. 

"You need a ride?" 

"Yes, thanks Ray." 

"What are friends for. Benny I gotta say something here. " 

Fraser stopped and turned. Looking at his friend he placed his Stetson on his head. 

"Benny, you have to let her go man... She has been nothing but trouble for you...... and to you. You have to let her go now before you go see Monica." 

"I know Ray....I'm trying. 

******************************************************************************************************** 

The ride to the farm was uncomfortably quite. Fraser just starred out the window. He was watching the sky as it became darker with gray clouds filled with more snow. About a half a mile from the house he asked Ray to stop. He got out and looked at his friend. Dief jumped from the back seat to the front seat then out the car. Fraser looked down at Ray. 

"Thanks Ray" 

"Remember what I said Benny. Let her go." 

" Understood" Fraser looked up at the darkening sky. 

He shook his head as he closed the car door and watched as Ray drove off. He took a deep breath, sighed and placed the Stetson on his head. He looked at Dief and placed his hand on his head. Patting him gently. Then he began to walk toward the farm house. By the time he reached the house it was dark. Only a few lights could be seen as he turned up the long driveway towards the house. Dief ran ahead of him. He slowly made his way to the house. He saw a figure in the front window of the third floor. It was Monica. His heart was heavy as he stood there and watched her. Thinking about all the pain he had caused her. Wanting to take her in his arms and free her from the pain. But knowing that it was he who was the cause of it all. He began to go to the door. He stopped suddenly, realizing she would not let him in. That she wouldn't talk to him. He stood in the cold and thought for a moment. Looking at Dief who was now on the porch with two of the other dogs. He shrugged his shoulders. Looking up and around at the trees he turned back at Dief and smiled. Dief laid down and whimpered. Fraser began to climb a huge Oak tree whose branches seemed to reach to the heavens and directly past the windows of Monica's room. 

To be continued....and don't worry...it does end happily....as Jennifer always says....he deserves it!!!!! 

Copyright August 1996 by Laura Ross 

E-mail:

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